


I Never Stopped Mourning You Until-

by Marta_Ayanami



Series: Of Gold, Green, White, Red, Sky, Blood, Purple, and Blue (Less than Infinite, more colours) [12]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Gen, Loki's first instinct is to blame the world and second instinct is you know what, Oneshot, Thor's first instinct sometimes is to blame himself, after Thor spent a few days reflecting upon all his losses, and came to conclusions, and second well you know what, before learning much even, btw I will edit the spaces between! eh microsoft word to ao3, eh i must do something about enters, his own conclusions, not right conclusions, nvm will fix later now sleeping soon bye, oh well, only Thor's POV, open communication what is open communication is it a unicorn?, right after first Thor movie, seriously completely Thor's POV, so don't misunderstand, source: canon and the 5 year old me kicked out of bro's bed times aplenty and loving it, this is the first time I wrote the ficlet in microsoft word, written in exactly three minutes so no quality I am sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-05
Updated: 2018-12-06
Packaged: 2019-09-11 23:59:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,153
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16862443
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Marta_Ayanami/pseuds/Marta_Ayanami
Summary: He mourned.Even if he had no right-





	1. Whether I Was Partly Guilty for Your Death

Loki’s funeral was to be held tomorrow.

 

Loki’s funeral…

 

Loki’s funeral…

  _Truly?_

They could never recover the body, but... however... his little brother, suddenly so hurt... Loki, with suddenly such pain and aching... he truly has died, hasn't he?? It was. It was actually true. Not a joke of Loki's.

 

No. It was. The truth.

 

But. Why?!

 

*****************

 

A little daughter of a cook, when hearing about it in the corridor, gasped and asked, „Oh my Fate, but why? Who killed prince Loki? Was it Laufey? Now I’m sure it was Laufey, he was just jealous, because prince Loki was very funny, and frost giants are never funny, so, they were envious! A friend of a friend of a friend said Frost Giants came here. As in, here here, exactly here! So. They killed prince Loki! I am but certain! Father, am I right or wrong?”

Her father shushed her anxiously upon seeing Thor.

 

Thor wished he was able to answer.

 

_Who killed prince Loki?_

 

He was deathly afraid that, for some reason who couldn’t fathom, the only answer he could rightly guess at was….

 

_Failed king Thor killed prince Loki, child. And he’s sorry. He’s sorry. He’s so sorry---_

 

****************

 

_But why? How? What did I do that killed my Brother inside? Didn’t I love him enough…?!_

_He said he’s not my brother. What cause did I give him to feel that? Ah, I… offended him. I offended him, that must be so, I offended him deeply, to the core, I--- whatever I said, I wish I was mute, I wish, I wish, I wish---_

 

******************

 

"Thor?”

 

Mother. Mother shouldn’t have come to his chambers. Why did she?

 

"Thor. My son – why are you mourning alone? You know we’ve loved him as much, your Father and I.”

Thor gasped. She didn’t know. Mother didn’t know! She didn’t know why her beloved son died.

"Mother, I--- it is… Loki… Loki killed himself to – to hurt me. It is through my neglect--- that it happned. Loki – he only killed himself to have a revenge on me. A… a fierce revenge. He succeeded, at that. But, I must discover… what hurt hath I wrought him… that even consideration for your Heart, Mother, did not stop Loki. My crime must hath been enormous indeed… and more hurtful than fiercest wounds. And yet, I cannot see my crime--- Mother, am I blind?”

 

Frigga shook her head, tears welling up in her eyes.

 

"Thor… the ‘crime’ as you wrongly put it, is not yours. You see, Loki… was saved from death when he was but a tiny babe.”

"I don’t understand?! Was he-- was he sickly?? He was always very cold when we were little, was he, was he in a danger of dying…?”

 

 _And all these years, I’ve been so insensitive about it in my ignorance!,_ Thor thought, more ashamed of himself than when he failed to pick his Mjolnir up.

 

"Son. You must listen carefully now, and cast aside what you thought you knew. But remember this: Loki is your little brother. Always. No matter what.”

 

"Yes, he is, I know that, Mother, that is why I--”

 

 _Brother killer_ , the thought came, unbidden, to the god of thunder. _I killed my little brother, no, I did not, but, did I, partly… cause his sudden death…?!_

 

"Listen! Be quiet and listen, for once in your life. Please. Why can the men in this family – why can my beloved, foolish men - never listen to a single word of truth?!”

 

So listen he did, since Mother ordered so.

 

"I never carried Loki in my womb. He is a Jotun, born on Jotunheim. And he is your brother.”

 

Thor gasped.

 

So, he didn’t kill Loki! Loki had trouble accepting his own birth, and that was why…?!

 

*******************

_had trouble? And why would that be? No involvement, huh? Hmmm???_

 

Thor shivered. Long forgotten memory coming to the forefront of his mind.

 

_When I’m king_

 

_When I’m king_

 

_When I’m king_

 

_when I’m the king,_

 

_I_

 

_will_

 

_kill_

 

_all_

 

_the_

 

_monsters_

 

_just like_

 

_you did,_

 

_Father_

 

_i will kill all the monsters_

 

_i will kill all the monsters_

 no that was not what he had said he had said he had actually said

_when i’m king, i will slay all the monsters_

 to slay all the Frost Giants

all the Jotuns

_what is this newfound love for the Jotunns, Brother...?_

 

_ah_

 

_he_

 

_no!!!_

 

He had brought thoughts of death to his innocent, impressionable, quiet, full of humour, and various little lies, but full of honest affection and sensivity and devotion, fidelity, loyalty, full of all that, his Loki... his little brother, his little Brother who all his life basked in Mother's Love, in Father's Love, and in Thor's great Love for him, and now, now he--- surely he thought---no---!!

 

_No, that is not so, that cannot be true---!! Loki, Loki, did you think....?!  
_

**************************

 

„I’ve forgotten...” Thor whispered, slowly, „I’ve forgotten, Mother, I’ve forgotten. Loki… did he not forget…? And that is why…?”

 

„What are you saying?”

 

„Mother, I won’t be at tomorrow’s funeral! I have no right! And- and – surely Loki is in Valhalla now, and from there, he-- he does not want me to attend his funeral!”

 

\---------

_nor shall we mourn but rejoice_

_but I cannot_

_for some of his blood is on my hands_

_Loki's blood_

_therefore, I cannot in justice attend my beloved little brother's funeral._

 

"Father, I shan't attend tomorrow. I cannot."

"Why?"

"I cannot," Thor just repeated, shaking his head. "I cannot. Someday, I will think how to form the words that would show you my blame, right now, as of now, I am unable to do so. Someday, I will be able to ask you to mete out a just punishment to me, Father, whether it be prison or banishment."

"Do not say so. You hath already been punished--"

"Not for this, Father! Not for this. Never yet for this."

"You speak from grief only."

"No, I do not. I speak from understanding. I understand now, what killed Loki. Someday, I will be ready to tell. And then, ask for a just punishment for my part."

Odin shook his head.

"That is but your grief speaking. I understand."

"No, father, you do not know what I had done to your youngest. Someday, I shall... someday, I shall be ready to say. And - ah -father - I do not think you are to blame. You have not told Loki of his birth, but it is I who--failed to say-- failed to love--"

"I shan't hear this nonsense. You loved your brother, ask anyone with eyes to see."

Thor shook his head, wishing he was able to explain. However, that was not to be, not today. Too much, just too much. And-- what would the Allfather say - upon learning that both his sons-- that one of the reasons Loki died was because Thor... because Thor misunderstood--

 _Wise king never seeks war,_ father had warned. Maybe, in his own way, he was telling Thor not to hate the Frost Giants? Not to hate Loki's blood... And Loki, because he felt his blood and flesh was loathed, he must hath suddenly for the first time in his life felt he was surely loathed, now that he knew, and when Thor would know, and so, he did-- what he had done. Because Loki, Loki was always so strong, but so fragile, like glass, surely he couldn't bear - he misunderstood-- No, no, Thor himself was also the one who misunderstood, and with his baseless words, he must have, years later upon the sudden discovery, struck the very core of Loki's soul, just as Loki tried to do to Thor himself-- yet Thor still lived, and Loki, he...

The little boy who always snuck into Thor's bed in summers, complaining that he's going to burn and so he must be here because Thor won't let him burn, and affectionately threatening to stab Thor a bit if Thor lets him burn; that boy, that teenager, that man, was gone now. Where Thor could not follow.

With this, Thor turned away. Turned to go. He was not so heartless as to tell Father right now. Or was he just -- a coward, failing to inform the Allfather of the truth?

*********

_You killed yourself. And I killed you. Yes, there were two murderers there, but you were just following my lead, so, you're forgiven. I--I cannot be forgiven. Will you ever forgive me, somewhere out there in Valhalla, Loki? Say..._

_I cannot even rejoice.  Never. Therefore... I am---_


	2. All That Remains

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He touched it gently. It was brimming with consciousness unawakened and he wondered if in the depths of it, some Echo of Loki's thoughts remained. He almost hugged the sceptre while trying to reach for those echos.

Thor touched the Sceptre gently, having finally found it. Hawkeye and Selvig would surely frown upon him, but... this powerful artefact... who knew if it didn't store some echoes of Loki's thoughts from the time his baby Brother unfortunately wielded it?

He tried to reach those echoes.

Nothing.

Not even faintest sign of Loki.

 

Then again, magic, Magical Arts, Seithr was something the god of Thunder knew not at all.

 

It was a trace of Loki of old he was trying to reach, not traces of destruction, of the madman, and of whatever false king took hold if his beloved baby Bro.

 

 

\----------

 

"I don't mean it. That I never was. You do know, don't you?"

Vision said it so suddenly, Thor was startled. It sounded - not the voice but inflection - almost like his late - for a few years now since Swartfeilheim - brother!

"What are you... saying, Vision?"

Vision shook his head.

"I... don't know. Thor, I looked at you, I thought you looked sad. You are one of the ones to have given me life. I would prefer that You be content. When I thought that, the Mind Stone supplied me with a message brought forcibly forth from an Echo of a previous host's Dreams. Full message - accidental message: it is - _When I said I was never your brother, my dear brother, I was angry. Mad. Grieving false life I thought to be real. Please never doubt this, Thor: whoever you next meet, in this Avenging group of yours, I love Thee more dearly than they ever do or will do._

_I love you most dearly in the Worlds. When I had murdered You in New Mexico, I instantly grieved a little, even trapped in another grief and ... madness, was it? Was it? Even so, I know I've seen you replace me with the Man out of Time and the Stark and the Hulk._

_\------_

_No, Loki._ Thor thought, stunned. Loki did not die from the Fall - he only died later on Svartfeim, he then died a hero...

\----You, tossing me into the Abyss

 

Loki had said back when

\---

Loki thought... Thor love so fickle? If so... back than... if Thor's was really such a neglect---

\------

"Vision, I apologise? but. My brother once said I tossed him off the Bridge. Does the Stone in your forehead possess such a memory?? Please-"

"Ah. Yes. But this memory is signed 'a lie'.

Thor grinned through sudden tears.

"I'm glad. I'm glad. Thank you."

"Do you wish to see the Lie, or would it upset you, Thor? It's signed ^Ebony Maw Lie^ whatever that means."

Thor clapped his new little cousin on the back, grinning.

'Let us watch it. Maybe then it will lead me to some Ebony Maw, who I would say, definitely has some of Loki's blood on his hands. And I will tell him my opinion on the quality of his lies after I watch it, before introducing him to Mholnir."

Vision nodded.

"The Mind Stone says that previous father - that is Loki - would be ecstatic to hear that."

Thor startled.

"Vision... are you now my nephew?! That's wonderful news! Now, let us watch the false memory."

Vision blushed, embarassed.

"Nephew... I like that thought. Thank you. I shall be if you do not mind, Thor Odinson of Asgard, who gave me life, like Mister Tony Stark. Yours and previous Master's of the Stone in my brain - Loki of Asgard's. Loki Odinson's. Now... we watch."

 

\-----

And watch the irritating false memory, containing exactly that which Loki described in 2012, they did.

 

\-----

 

_'Thor. Please.'_

_Thor reached for him. As always._

_This time, Loki was no illusion. This time, he grabbed his beloved brother's hand._

_'Maybe I went about gaining father's approval the wrong wa---aaaahhh!!!'_

_Thor looked him straight into the eyes, whispered 'that is for pretending to be worthy of my love and stealing plenty of my best love, you damned Laufeyson, for making me believe I had a magnificent and mighty Brother, my Equal in all, and for being born a Fairytale Monster, not a longed for Beloved Above All Brother of Mine. You damned mewling fucking Liar!!!!' and tossed Loki straigh into the wormhole to the Void._

_\------_

_Yes, that was one false and irritating 'memory'. Whoever Ebony Maw is, he deserves to die, for making the 'memory me' say the darndest lies that are not in my character at all._

 

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Frigga told Thor with no possibility of rejecting that, that he will go to his little brother's funeral. So, Thor did attend the (without the body, as you all know) funeral, don't worry.
> 
> Conclusion: Odin's family cannot do a thing right without Frigga with them. As we all know.
> 
>    
> A/N 2: Also I showed this tiny ficlet to my RL bro for a double check, because I'll never be the older sibling, heh. Only in imagination. So the 'possible truth of feelings' double check with real older brother never hurts! :D


End file.
